...

I wrote this a while back, but it's still all the same

Tonight I told somebody about a person who has caused so much pain and anguish in my life.

Hearing myself talk about it makes me feel so pathetic for ever letting it happen.

I'm sure in his mind the situation was construed as young, petty love.

It almost seems that way.

I thought we were perfect for each other. I knew we belonged together.  It felt so right all along.

Never did I doubt it. Never did I doubt you.

The timing was just not right.

I went days, months, years with my heart on hold. On hold for you.

You put me on a shelf. You were saving me for something. For  nothing.

You made me believe all these things and just made a fool out of me.

So many tears I cried. I cried for you. I cried for me. I cried for us.

But there was never an "us". There was barely ever anything.

I said you make me so happy. But when is the last time you made me happy?

Did you really?

Because I can't think of one time when I was happy…

They say love is hard.

I don't want it.

Its funny how you would think that holding on would make you stronger. It will make the relationship strong.

But in reality it makes YOU weaker.

Because you know it's over.

I realized tonight that I am stronger for letting go.

Don't tell me you love me.

 If you did, you would be here

My Bucket List?

I haven't seen the whole movie, but it made me think of all the things I would like to do before I kick the bucket. This will be edited throughout my life I'm sure.

Sky Dive Write a Memoir Go to Ireland Run a marathon Go to the biggest book store in the world Participate or start a non-profit organization that helps women with eating disorders Randomly dance in the middle of a crowded place Make a stranger smile everyday Drink Guinness and eat fish and chips minus the fish in a Pub in Ireland Go to a foreign country and do EVERYTHING touristy Go to a foreign country and not do anything touristy Stay friends with anybody and everybody who has broken my heart Be Happy with who I am Write a touching letter, hide it, and hope someone finds it Not be afraid to cry Visit the Tate Modern. Ram a car driven by an inconsiderate driver. I get tired of being the target all the time for driving perfectly fine! Be honest with everyone I know Continue to volunteer and help other people when I have nothing to do with my spare time. Learn to gamble. Play at a craps table and be one of those crazy excited people screaming and yelling

Be the person in that conversation that unintentionally said something that changed a persons life (Positively) Return to Vegas and not remember it Haha Not celebrate any holidays for a year...weird right? Cook 30 meals in 30 days....then do it again.

Discover a place that takes my breath away, overwhelms me, and makes me cry.

Have mind blowing sex over and over again (what?)

Be the person who really was everything my obituary says I was

Such a long list... good thing I have forever and a day to do it all...