::Note to self::

Dear Cyntia,

Remember these things:

Love never gives up. Love never loses faith, and endures under any circumstance. Fight for what you love. Fight hard. If you're meant to have it. YOU WILL. When you were heartbroken the thought "I should've treated them better" or "I should've done things different" crossed your mind. Love like you will never see that person again.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Being beautiful is not about having having THINGS. It's not about what you have, it's about who you are. No amount of makeup or objective facades can conceal an ugly heart. True beauty shines from within. Beauty fades, but a beautiful heart is forever. You have a beautiful heart.

Stay true to yourself. You are an honest person. Not everybody knows the real you. Those who assume things are just unhappy with themselves. You don't have to prove anything to anybody.

Not everybody is going to like you. That's okay!

Don't lose the child within you. If you feel like singing, SING. If you feel like dancing, DANCE. Stay positive. Have fun. Live, laugh, love.

Today is today. Don't live in the past, don't live in the future. Savor what made you happy today.

SMILE! Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. If you're having a bad day, smile anyway.

Get away from the negative people around you. Don't let their unhappiness rub off on you.

You live in a world of beauty. Embrace it.

Hard.

It's so hard to be lying in his bed. I want us to be together. You usually only remember the bad things that happen. I can't remember the bad things, but I can't remember the good things either. All I know is that I am lonely. It's hard to lie in his bed. By myself.

Gravity-Embrace

"Gravity"

Honey, It's been a long time coming
And I can't stop now
Such a long time running
And I can't stop now
Do you hear my heart beating
Can you hear that sound
Cause I can't help thinking
And I don't look down

And then I looked up at the sun
And I could see
Oh the way that gravity turns for you and me
And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun
And the way that gravity pulls on everyone, on everyone

Baby, It's been a long time waiting
Such a long, long time
And I can't stop smiling
No I can't stop now
And do you hear my heart beating
Ah can you hear that sound
Cause I can't help crying
And I won't look down

And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh the way that gravity turns on you and me
And then I looked up at the sun and saw the sky
And the way that gravity pulls on you and I, on you and I

Can you hear my heart beating
Can you hear that sound
Cause I can't help crying
And I wont look down

Thought.

Sometimes I read through my old stuff and I wonder, Fuck, Why can't I be like that anymore

I need help.

I try not to get frustrated with this situation, but I just don't understand why things are happening this way. If I am doing everything in my power to make you happy, and you say that you're happy, then why don't you look or act happy? I hate that I am the kind of person that will cater to the ones that I love. It is a good thing, but in this situation it is a bad thing. I am giving, giving, giving, and what am I getting in return? Nothing. Don't tell me everything is okay. It's not okay. If things were okay, we wouldn't be having this conversation over and over again.

You should never take anybody for granted, let alone somebody that you love. Why am I being put on the back burner? I once heard a quote about this, but all that I can remember from it is,

"You might wake up one day and realize that you lost the true diamond when you were busy collecting stones."

Something like that.

I wish he thought about that.

I know that I am a good person a good girlfriend-sister-daughter-friend.

I feel like I am the only one fighting for this relationship. You can't fight alone. You're supposed to be a team. I have worked for us this whole time. Our love is worth fighting for, but sometimes I need help.

...

I wrote this a while back, but it's still all the same

Tonight I told somebody about a person who has caused so much pain and anguish in my life.

Hearing myself talk about it makes me feel so pathetic for ever letting it happen.

I'm sure in his mind the situation was construed as young, petty love.

It almost seems that way.

I thought we were perfect for each other. I knew we belonged together.  It felt so right all along.

Never did I doubt it. Never did I doubt you.

The timing was just not right.

I went days, months, years with my heart on hold. On hold for you.

You put me on a shelf. You were saving me for something. For  nothing.

You made me believe all these things and just made a fool out of me.

So many tears I cried. I cried for you. I cried for me. I cried for us.

But there was never an "us". There was barely ever anything.

I said you make me so happy. But when is the last time you made me happy?

Did you really?

Because I can't think of one time when I was happy…

They say love is hard.

I don't want it.

Its funny how you would think that holding on would make you stronger. It will make the relationship strong.

But in reality it makes YOU weaker.

Because you know it's over.

I realized tonight that I am stronger for letting go.

Don't tell me you love me.

 If you did, you would be here